I spent all day waiting for rain to 15 but, despite a cloudy day, not a drop of rain. I became so depressed that I almost began to mourn. 
I guess the rain will all help text. And I wear a cross on his chest, to mark the sin.
There are certain things in my life I do not understand. Small details, insignificant in the eyes of others that terrify me. More than anything it is that I have habits that puzzle me are horrors that every day again and again, but I'm not 
s ECURITY desire to stop committing them.
the fact is, for example smoking. Yes I do, I love it. Still, do not remember where I picked up the habit, and I doubt that one day I will remember. My blackouts are an everyday thing, but with some effort and help from other people, most of the things I can remember. But the habits, and its origin not remember ever.
Some say I have a masochistic attitude of self-punishment. While I like smoking, I have always wanted. There are specific times where you do not want to smoke, but still feel the urge and obligation that I must do, I owe it to someone, that someone or some situation I picked would be a sin not to.
In the case of cigarettes, when it's cloudy or raining I have to smoking. I had not noticed until recently. Unconsciously look for my pack and I get the cigarette to his lips. Once there, I wonder do I have to smoke if I have no desire. On rainy days smoking depresses me, so do the clouds. Yet I always do, and it hurts me. It's like I bring a memory of something forgotten eh, and punish me for it.
Something similar happens to me with Diet Coke. I hate cocaine, and diet plus. The flavor makes me extremely sweet (and come to know that the sweet is not to my liking) the gas bothers me, and last but not least, I consider one of the most harmful drinks in my small box. But I always buy Diet Coke smoking. Provided that has no alcohol or brown. From time to time I was buying eh even when I do not smoke, and I was horrified. It is not my habit, I do not even like or tolerate the hate. When I drink Diet Coke feel immense hatred, equal and therefore the volume, maybe I forgot something I had to hate, and remember this is my way of taking Diet Coke.
With coffee lately is the same. My favorite is the mocha, I love it like cigarettes and chocolates. Mocha coffee always ask where I go, and if you have not, then you better not take another. Or at least it did. A while here, eh vanilla always been calling even when someone else calls mocha! Me out of my mind be so eager to try the mocha coffee and end, always forced to ask for vanilla. I hate the vanilla with that cloying sweetness that are loaded. But hatred is different from the coca, is a repulsive myself. So much so that whenever I take vanilla coffee makes me want to mourn. I turned a lot of time and maybe I forgot something bad. This is my way of punishing.
The last, and the reason I write this, is my cross necklace. I never take it off. I sleep with him, bathe him. Although I'm asked to remove it for an event, never leaves my chest. It is a kind of dagger imbedded in my skin. Every time I look in the mirror first thing I see is the cross and remember that if it came from. And I know I'm going to be away for some time, because it is my representation of a plea for forgiveness. It's my own ordeal materialized, and I realized hey I can not look for too long, or get rid of it. When I discovered this when I started noticing all the other weird things I do everyday, over and over again.
Everyone has their way to keep certain memories alive, I think mine is through actions or objects. I do not know if maybe I exaggerate, maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I've just come back to habits that had at one time. I do not know but it is those horrors which all day every day reminds me of the evil in me. What I'm trying to make the world a happy place for everyone, I am unhappy most of the time.
And it's not for nothing, my nickname in the world under, is "Togabito." Meaning, of course, sinful.
